The Kill Joy

No matter what there is always a Kill Joy to ruin a good thing. Not only just me but for everyone else. There is always that one asshole at a wedding or the one asshole who gives you a little extra work just when you think there is a chance you could leave early. For me? Well my Kill Joy starts with J and ends with R. Let me tell you if I had a parade, this one would be the terrorist who wouldn't just rain on it but would also pose a bomb threat. Com'on. I mean I always have my share of Kill Joys in my life but this shit is ridiculous. It's gotten to the point of disbelief. On another note before the damper on my day. Things have been going rather smoothly :)

Irony

It's funny how pretty much everyone in my life hates the one person who always makes me feel better when something goes wrong. Hows that for irony?

Halloween 2010 !!

Holy Shit I'm sooooooo FUCKING excitedddddd for tomorrow night!!!! It's going to be crazyyyyy!! My mom went all out with the decorations this year. I'm actually waiting for one of my friends to stop by and pick me up so I can buy some bottles for the party. It's all I've been thinking about for the past 2 months and now it's only a day away. I'm really excited pretty much all my co-workers are going to be there :] I invited this girl jessica she recently just started working with me. She seems really cool even though I thought she wanted to rip out my insides. She even said she would come! I'm pretty happy bout that too cause she's pretty fuckin hot not gonna lie. I've been spending the last few days carefully picking out good songs that I know everyone will want to dance to. I never partied hard with some of my co-workers so this should be interesting. Even some of my friends from high school I havent partied with and its going to be cool to see how it all plays out. TODAY was amazing and at the sametime I never wanted to puke so badly in my life. It all started on my lunch break. I was happy because the day was going by quite fast and it was absolutely gorgeous outside. It wasnt too cold or too hot. It wasnt windy it was just right. On my lunch break I decided to give my ex-girlfriend a call cause she's still a friend and I don't really believe in shutting people out. When I called her she had that voice that she was either A) tired or B) fucking... She didn't cut me off and she answered the phone so I automatically assumed she just woke up. Mmmm I wish. She let me chat her up for a good 4 mins until she was like "Uhm im kinda in the middle of something right now" I was like EWWWW!!! Bye bye! Like come on man, would you answer the god damn phone for? If your having sex or even just messing around why the hell would you answerrrrrr?!?! I know I wouldnt. I'd put that shit on silent and throw it somewhere. Man! That totally ruined my delightful break. Once I got back to work the rest of the time went by fast and sure enough I was on my way home. And here we are! All caught up to the present. The END

And so the story continues...

I've been putting on this front. That I'm this "player". I mean yes, I'm talking to a couple of girls right now. That's not what I want. I don't want to have meaningless sex. I'm not a dude, I can't just fuck anyone. So what I'm a softy with some stuff. At the same time I admit I'm fucking scared as hell to get into another relationship. I never been so weak and vulnerable until I was in one. It's like giving someone the power to destroy you. At the same time I never felt like I had so much purpose. I had more of a initiative to do well and be successful because not only was I doing it for myself, I was doing it for her too. Don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoy being single. I like that there is no commitment and I get to test my waters. I just hope I don't change too much where I'm not the same person who appreciates every little part of love, even the bad. Lately its like I see these woman, and they just disappoint me. The way they act, it's like they're men. The quality that I love about woman is just fading away. Compassion, Respect, and Loyalty are a few things I really cherish about a girl. Now I barely see it. Today the Tweet Topic was #mynext, and all I could think was wow. Whoever my next is I'd make her the happiest girl in the world. I'm sure I'd fuck up occasionally like say something stupid or forget to do something. But the things I'd do wrong I'd spend as long as it takes making it up to her so she's happy and content before she rests her head at night. But I'm thinking that wont be for awhile :] BESIDES!!!!!!!!! I GOT A HALLOWEEN PARTY COMING!!!! It's going to be crazy!!! <33

Yankees vs Rangers

Today has been a very slow moving lazy saturday. I basically woke up, got breakfast, did some errands and sat on my couch watching TV programs that I can't stand. My family is lucky I love them so damn much. Speaking of things I can't stand I'm currently watching the fucktard Yankee's trying to catch up. They're losing by 5, but who fucking knows with them. Yesterday I was so humiliated. The whole night was basically about how I went to wipe my ass and I heard a noise...Don't ask. Ughhh!!! Anywho I realized how much I put on a front. I mean sure most of the time I'm an asshole don't get me wrong. But I'm not heartless, I mean I have feelings. It's like this whole time I've been keeping my gaurd up and I think my friends are starting to think I'm this cruel person. I don't know I'm watching a movie now. To be continued...

Random Memory

Did you ever get those random memories that pop into your head for no apparent reason? I honestly don't get them too often because let's be realistic. I don't have the greatest memory in the world. It comes with the ADHD territory. Today I literally just sat down on my couch and thought of the time I said goodbye to my ex-girlfriend. That next day I was going on my senior trip to Disney. She sat there on the couch and cried. It was the first time I've ever seen her cry in person. During that whole trip I didn't call her or text her at all. Cause I was too concerned of who could be listening to my conversations rather than how it was making her feel. It was very contradicting for me because I never had that much fun in my whole life, and yet I never been so cruel. Well on a less depressing side of things my life right now has been amazing. I never went to so many parties/clubs with my friends before. My confidence with women has gotten way better and I think the effects are working out rather smoothly. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again. I haven't felt this way since like 8th grade. For once my head isn't wrapped around a girl and wondering if she likes me, or if I'm good enough for her. Right now I'm just me and that's all I need. HAHA I can't believe I really sang that song in the blog bellow. I had to be drunk. Sorry that was indeed random. Well I'm off to hit the shower and get ready for work. Tootles!

Omg I'm pouring my heart out so emotional..so sad...LMFAO

I wonder so often; regret gets exhausted

Brush Your Shoulders Off

To me it feels like I'm a backwards pimp. I can get any girl I don't want, and yet I repel all the ones I do. The ones I don't want I treat like basically shit or I ignore them. I really don't understand how that works. I don't want to ignore the girls I like, let alone treat them like shit. However, there is one song by Jay-Z (Brush your shoulders off) . I'm sure you've heard of it. If you haven't you have been living in a bubble and you are deprived of life and I suggest you go back to sleep. This particular song makes me feel so bad ass I can't explain it. It's like if I could have that song playing all the time I'd prob be the baddest Kat in N.Y. This prob sounds like one of the top 5 corniest things you've ever heard. Well tough luck, I'm a Nerd get over it. Maybe I should walk around with my ipod and play it right before I go attempt to hit on a girl? I would really like some feed back on that *laughs*. As I look back on my past sometimes I realize I was a completely different kid than I am now. I don't know if it's different experiences that changed me or it's just a part of growing up. The thing I've noticed is I lost my spark. My streak of boldness. I never used to be this way. I'd go right up to anyone, I had no fear of rejection. I was the most popular kid in my grammar school at the age of 10. I sit here sometimes and I'm like "wow... what a pussy." I got to change this and now that I'm currently racking my brains I know what changed me. It was being humiliated in front of my whole high school. Having so called friends sing songs about me and how I felt about the girl of my dreams. I'd like to see that happen to you and you be able to approach girls. This is why I'm paranoid. My whole high school experience I was in the center of attention. To this day I don't know why everyone chose me. For the longest time, I thought I was ugly. Even to this day I still have my doubts. Family and friends tell me it isn't true but their family, that's their job. I'm trying so hard to brush my shoulders off. Man up, don't give a fuck what people think. It's not that easy. You know what? I'm going to be confident and I'm going to ask a girl for her number even if it kills me the next time I go out. I'll make that promise to whoever follows my blog and actually reads all the shit I ramble on and on about. Next time I go out I'll be bold. I won't be a pussy I'll be that same kid I once was a really long time ago. I got this. :]

Live Life to the Fullest

Everyone goes through some rough patches in their life, however as soon as you get out of them you feel amazing. You feel so free like a huge burden was lifted off your shoulders. You have to sometimes experience some shitty times in order to appreciate the good ones at hand. Nobody has the perfect life, but it's up to you to make it as perfect as you possibly can. It's important to be happy with yourself because that's when we all are truly happy. It's good to share happiness with others but never depend on someone else for your happiness. Happiness starts with YOU. One of the wisest things my Father ever said to me was "Be yourself and everyone will love you." Be confident with who you are and live life to the fullest. Well that's all I have for today folks. Sleep tight.

Hanging up my cape (super hero's need saving too)

I think I've reached retirement. I'm growing so tired of saving people that I grew to be bitter towards people in general. I try so hard to make them realize what they are doing wrong. Try to make sure they don't make the same mistakes I did. The only thing, It's like this tape is on replay. I save someone from making a mistake. I make a new mistake and save someone else again. The only problem is who's going to save me? But that's what super hero's are meant for. Give up personal gain and happiness to make sure everyone else is living the life their supposed to have. Then again, I don't have a fancy cape, super strength, spider sense's that tingle, or wealth to make me the world's best detective/ninjia. I'm just Lauren. Lauren feels the need to help everyone. Make everyone else's day a little brighter. I guess It's too much, but I would like it if someone made my day a little brighter too.

That's what she said

On a sense of impulse you said Hi baby, and with the next breath you weren't sure you could still call me that. You don't know where you stand with me. You don't where you stand period. In your feeble attempt to clear the water, you admit that I'm the only one who was able to absolutely adore you. You say I catered to you, you say I gave you my all, and that you didn't appreciate it. It's 12:58 AM, and your sitting in your room thinking about me. You haven't spoken to me all day and your heart is in agony. You feel like my eyes are laying somewhere else, instead of JUST you. You feel as if I'm moving on and you don't like it. You confess that you liked "doing you" but with me still there. But you reached a breaking point. YOU REALIZED that it isn't fair to me. You hate yourself the way you treat me like you do. You express that your SO in love with me. The words can not describe how you feel when you look at me. Your horrified at the fact that you may spend the rest of your life with me. You stress it's not a bad thing, but its scary to settle down. You sit there in your bed crying hysterically looking at my default picture. You wish you can have me fall asleep in your arms like the night of Jan 17. You want me to look up at you and tell you I love you. You don't want me loving anybody else but you. (This is a revised letter susan wrote me I just switched the words around and made it in my tense. I was bored.)

The way I see it true lovers fight to the death, modern day gladiators. Fighting side by side fighting lions, cavalry, and whatever else stands in their way. The only thing that could kill them, as if they killed each other. They bare the scars but bask in their own glory. They stand side by side tall and proud to be accompanied by the other. Love is just a word. True love is rare. I hope those who read this find their pair. I know I have.

Food for thought

Part of the reason why I'm so affraid of getting old, is because if I have a hard time remembering now. How am I suppose to remember then?

Welcome July

July is a new start for me. I feel the old insecure little girl in me slowly dying. I've been approaching new territory but I've been straying away. Going down the same roads I'm used to instead of going forth. I'm up to the challenge. I'm ready to take that step. I know what I'm capable of, and I know my worth. This trip to PA let me free my mind. That's why I like coming up here. I find a small bit of myself everytime. This tiny bit was just the extra little push that I needed to be more confident. I've been slowly getting there and now I'm finally here. I think I'm ready to test it out. Wish me luck.

Mmm

Yeah so the past few days I've been on this roller coaster. I just want to be my normal same old self lol. Yesterday I was so angry I felt like I was going to knock my boss on his ass. I never got so mad at work than I have yesterday. Today I started out miserable as usual because I had to work at Neiman Fucking Marcus. Later on after lunch I had Starbucks. Probably one of the top five things I shouldn't have done today. I couldn't help myself at laughing at anything and everything. Including my boss. Then there was the drop dead gorgeous girl who was trying on stuff and her mom was waiting for her outside. I started chatting up her mom like we were old friends. I made her laugh her ass off many many times. What can I say, the ladies love me. LMAO yeah right. Anyway. I got to chatting with her daughter. She kept starring and asking me how she looked in all these short dresses. I had her laughing a few times too. For some reason I didn't hold anything back I just let my personality flow. A lot of times I hold back because I'm afraid of what they may think. But I learned today that who I am is not something I should hold back. I thought I saw beautiful walk in my store today. I was wrong. I don't know how this happened but I never became so speechless and blown away by such a simple thing. I can't get into anymore detail then that. But honestly it's all I can think about. One things for sure, after tonight it wont happen again. Not that it was bad. It's just I never want to feel that weak. My legs felt like jello and my heart completely sank. For a little bit I didn't feel like this bad ass mofo that can use witty humor to get myself out of anything. My defence was down. I was caught off guard. I have the night to sleep this off. When I wake up tomorrow I want this feeling gone.

I'm tired

I was born to tell you I love you
And I'am torn to do what I have to
To make you mine, stay with me tonight

Ghandi was great, but he'd still be alive if he smacked a few back

Its amazing how much we confessed
Wondering if it was nothing but lies
Those feelings I should have repressed
But non the less, I still hear cries

Of the heart you stole
The heart you broke
The heart drew cold
The heart you choke

I surpassed the impassable
Done the unimaginable
Thought the unthinkable
Believed the Unbelievable
Touched the untouchable

In some way I wish you could see me now
I know you’d be ashamed and yet proud somehow
This isn’t my curtain call but I’ll take a bow
This monster you’ve created just defeated it’s master
The wounded take it slow but I strive faster
In your mind I hope this is a epic disaster

You kindled my fire so you could get burned
I’ll take pleasure of the pain I’ve churned
I can’t wrap my head around your arrogance
How high could you think is my tolerance?

New Focus

"I dont want your honesty
I dont want a liar
I dont want your email
I dont want a flier

I just want the paper"

-Papoose

I think im going crazy!!!

What The Fuck?

I don't even know what happened to be honest. I'm so confused I cant even begin to explain. Just when I think I'm not wanted. Just when I start to lose all hope and move on. This shit happens. Where were you when I was down and out. Where were you when I'd sit there and cry cause I miss the feeling of talking on the phone with someone I care about for an hour, shit I'd even take 15 Min's. You were nowhere to be found. I tried so hard to make things perfect. I tried so hard to make you happy, to make you love me. Wouldn't you give up?? Wouldn't you stop trying?? I didn't...sure I had plenty of options, options you may not been aware. It frightened you, it upset you and maybe you felt betrayed. The only thing I like about options is its an OPTION. Doesn't mean I have to, and it doesn't mean I don't. When you lose hope you begin to look else where. Your mind starts to wander especially when you spill your heart out to someone and they don't even respond or take notice. I've told maybe 2 girls out of my whole life on how I felt. Both times I got my heart violently crushed. 2 weeks ago it reminded me of a line by Julius Caesar. One of the strongest most intelligent men in history, in my opinion. The quote that replayed in my mind was "ET Tu Brute". I've been betrayed and crushed by so many, the last person I thought would turn their back on me was you. You know more about me then any other person. After all I've done this is the thanks I get. You just left me with my heart in my hands. Slammed the door in my face and left me in the rain. The rain in symbolic form of course of all the tears Ive shed for you. I never used to cry. I've got beat, and lost so many people Ive loved. Most of the time I can honestly say I didn't cry. If I did cry it was merely a tear. You changed that in me. Suddenly I'm a whimpering girl over someone who can't even respond to my last request. Foolish I was to think you loved me. As I pick myself up and dust myself and my heart off. I begin to walk down the stairs away from your stoop. As soon as my feet touch the pavement you open your door, and say...you never want to speak to me again. Now lets decipher what I just said. Let's put our thinking caps on so we may understand exactly what I'm trying to point out. The pavement symbolizes new territory back to the some what familiar but the familiar is unknown because in fact it's been awhile since you placed your foot there. See you remained on that stoop for years, and now your there. Of course she doesn't like it who can blame her. Little does she know nothing has happened yet. After all a sidewalk is just a sidewalk. Yes people have currently passed my way but did I engage them? No, after all I just left your stoop. Now if you do not wish to listen to me ramble then so be it. When else can I sit and have deep intellectual conversations about symbolism and how it plays a roll into my feelings. You want me on a leash, I'm not your dog. I can not be trained to say inside the gate on your property. Even Dogs know when they know they are being mistreated. If you left your dog outside day after day with no type of nurture, odds are they will run away too. What the fuck? You may ask yourself while I type this "nonsense" you might say.Well clearly you aren't listening...Sadly enough I left my heart on your stoop while I walked away. I don't want it back because it's broken, and has little use to me as it does you. As soon as I saw you I knew my heart wasn't meant to be mine any more. That's life..

Chill

The true essence of chill to me is like one of the greatest pleasures to mankind. To sit back and relax on a beautiful warm sunny day. Not too hot, not too cold just right in the middle. Listen to your family laughing and bullshitting about what stupid things you recently got yourself into. Listening to your mom telling stories, and acting like a complete nutcase. As you sit on the steps of the deck chilling with a corona at hand and looking up at the trees. What tree's leaves have finally grown in. That smell of BBQ and the sun beating down on your skin. These little moments are the kind that I cherish so much. Even at night, I always have to look up at some point if I'm outside cause I love seeing the stars. Growing up in the city you barely see any stars. I remember getting excited to find one but then it would turn out to be a helicopter or a plane passing through. When I moved out here I could actually make out Orion's belt or the little dipper. Its like at that moment when your looking at them peace consumes you. I love it.

Ranting about Woman, Buddhism and Random Blah

What is this?!

Never knew that I could feel like this. I feel so strong, stronger then 10,000 men. At the same time I feel like a baby. I feel so invincible, nobody can stop me, and yet I've never been so vulnerable. I'm on that fence keeping my balance and holding. The kicker is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I don't know whats causing me to feel this way. I can't sleep at night cause I keep racking my brain trying to figure out what it is. I wake up in the morning sleep deprived with no answer. It's an exhilarating feeling, I just wish I had a answer.

Feel Good

Today was amazing. I worked out pretty much all day. Did some productive work like doing some yard work around the house, played some ball. I just feel so good :] Last night I had a good time with my lovers from Neiman Marcus. I haven't got that drunk in a really really long time. I would say that was one of my worst but it's all good. I really love my friends from there a lot. It's like our own little family. Sometimes we have sibling rivalry but deep down we all love each other. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!!!!!! I can't believe I'm going to be turning 20!!!! It's an amazing feeling, especially since I'm so happy right now I hope that I bring in this year of being 20 nothing but happiness and being content. I know being happy 24/7 is impossible but like I don't need a million dollars and a hot girl to keep me happy. I'm very simple the most insignificant thing can keep me entertained, and I will appreciate every moment. All well I should probably jump in the shower since I'm dirty from yard work haha. Tootles :]

Girl Code

I think every girl but me has some sort of code. It's impossible to know what they are thinking. Guys are so freaking easy, I know what my best friend is going to say before he even knows himself. It's not hard at all, but girls on the other hand make you say HOLY SHIT. My friend told me some tricks of the trade but it's still hard as hell. I've learned my lesson though. I fall for girls way too quickly, once I fall and get crushed I eventually pick myself back up, brush my feelings off and start on someone new. I've got my heart broken by many girls, and after awhile each one is easier to brush off. I usually stay friends with them if everything goes alright. The feelings however don't remain. Sometimes It may come off as I still do because hey I can admit I'm a flirt. A guy or a girl, doesn't really matter, if given the opportunity...I will flirt. If I actually like the person is a completely different story. I have very high standards which may also lead into the fact why I'm still single. At this point I really don't care. One thing I can't stand is not knowing how other people feel towards me. IT WILL DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!! Only problem is I have way too much pride to ask. Pride sometimes saves you from downfall, but it can also lead you into madness. Maybe I have my own girl code and I don't even realize it. I mean for instance, even if the girl is extremely hot, and i find out she has a major crush on me...I'll get creeped out and hate her for the rest of her life. I'm a dick I know this but I can't help it. Only If people would be straight with me. Things would be perfect and I can sleep at night. Like "Hey I think your cute and I'm kinda feeling you but I have a boyfriend so I don't want you". Then my life would be complete! No more wondering and pulling my hair out and spending 10 mins on one text to make sure that I dont sound like an idiot. Ahhh if only I could crack Girl Code...

Greatest Thing

I think the greatest thing in the whole world, is not thinking about you every second of the day. Now you barely cross my mind, there is still some part of you that resides in my heart. But I like to call it a memory and nothing more.

I wonder If she remembers..

IdidntDoitMama (10:34:16 PM): I see you b4 u even see me
IdidntDoitMama (10:34:22 PM): its like a sixth sense
IdidntDoitMama (10:34:31 PM): i kno wen ur coming even b4 i make eye contact
IdidntDoitMama (10:34:40 PM): u r in my very soul
IdidntDoitMama (10:34:47 PM): i carry u with me everyday
IdidntDoitMama (10:34:50 PM): where ever i go
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:05 PM): And just know everytime that bitch talks to u my soul is right there
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:14 PM): punchin her in the face and tellin her to fuck off
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:19 PM): cause ff
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:24 PM): might be stronger then me
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:34 PM): but she will NEVEr be stronger then what i feel for u
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:36 PM): NOthing
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:43 PM): in this whole universe
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:48 PM): is stronger
IdidntDoitMama (10:35:53 PM): then what i feel for you



12/3/07 me on aim lol

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I've watched this movie twice now, and every time it hits home. I mean for one the girl who plays the girl at the front desk is so fucking hot but besides that like that dude is so me. Funny thing is I've been kinda depressed since Valentines Day, my mom left me on Saturday and my apartment looks exactly like his lol. I need to find me a girl like the one he found at the end. Also I had a talk with this girl Brandy who works with me, she told me things that like expanded my mind a bit I guess you could say. Woman have a sinister side to them. A lot of them are gold diggers some more then others. Not all woman go for the cash but they can also be digging for your attention when they are lonely. To put it like Brandy said it "Hi I wont get with you but I'll flirt with you cause I'm lonely right now." or a better one "hi I wont get with you but I'll flirt with you so you can do nice things for me" Its the god honest truth. That's what they all do, it's a little sickening. I don't know which is worse guys who don't give a shit really and want to get in your pants and dip or girls who want to use you but want nothing else to do with you. Ah I don't know anymore. I've been dead wrong about every girl I've ever liked, I can't read signs, and even If I could I would still be a single loser cause nobody wants my ass to begin with. Being nice gets you no where i guarantee you that. That bullshit Disney feeds children about the prince being nice and shit and winning the girl is a bunch of shit. I bet you if Aladdin slapped around Jasmin a bit he'd have her eating out of the palm of his hand, without going through all the trouble of trying to be a prince. I have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow to go to my 8 o'clock class and sit there with my finger up my ass until 2 to get out at 3:15 and then to go back in at 4:20 and get out at 5:45... FUCK MY LIFE this schedule is so discouraging makes me not want to do shit. Maybe if I talk in a British accent all the time I can be a pimp like that Brit dude from the movie. Ah oh well fuck it I'm going to bed Tootles.

The Tale of a Nerd

Once upon a time, there was a nerdy girl
Saw greatness in her beautiful world
Perhaps naive, but still full of life
Until the day she fell on its knife
High School the land that started it all
For she once stood up straight, and now crawls
For you see she met the fairest in the land
Heart felt like a thousand marching band
For it is the princess who saw potential
In the nerd who might have credential
To be her hero, her companion
The nerd for once felt like a stallion
Not every story has a happy ending
Jealousy and betrayal started blending
For now the Nerd's best friend was at it again
The friend lied and sang of horrid tales
All the Nerds victories turned into fails
The princess closed her eyes and walked away
Leaving the nerd all alone to rot and decay
Names were made things were thrown
In the nerds world..no light has shown
Years later it was still the same
No happiness or victory gain
Until the day someone entirely new
Saw potential in this lonely Nerd too
The Nerd turned her cheek and looked away
For this nerd had enough games to play
The gorgeous Freshman did not take no for an answer
Soon enough they were Love's new exotic dancers
However the evil friend was not satisfied
When she asked about the freshman, the Nerd lied
"I do not know of this so please let me be"
The Nerd still badly wounded and wanting to flee
More lies were made more rumors have become
"When will this end what justice can be done?"
The Freshman grew tired of the Nerds fears
Cheated on the Nerd who was now in debt with tears
The Nerd grew in rage, pain and anger
No longer cared left its fear on its hanger
The Nerds fists tight, and teeth clenched
Walked towards the "friend", but suddenly benched
The body guard of the Nerd, saved her from inhalation
The Nerd too angry to show any form of appreciation
The Nerd never got her revenge
So many wrongs that need to be avenged
So this is the end of this Nerdy tale
Happy endings are for those who don't fail


-Noloc

Vacation

I'm sitting here listening to Bob Marley visualizing myself on a beach somewhere far from here. I NEED A VACATION....NOWWW!!! like i want to get drunk on a beach with my friends bullshit, relax, go swimming, or scuba diving!! Although i would be afraid of some big fish, but still I'd do it. I want to go on those wave bikes!!! fuck yeah man I really need a nice vacation honestly I think I've decided for real come July or beginning of august I'm like booking a cruise or a vacation to like Mexico, or something like that. I don't care If I have to pay for someones ticket to come with me I just need to get the fuck out and have a good time. Everyone needs that time to just get away from the every day lifestyle and do something different experience different things. Thing I like about vacations the most cause what ever happens on vacation stays where ever you were at. So like if I messed with like 5 girls and maybe even a dude (highly unlikely) nobody would have to know. For example person:"Lauren you have a good time on vacation?" me: "yes". See simple as that :D I'm definitely saving towards it now like its set in stone. Anywho I'm done, see what Bob Marley can do to people!?!

"Soundtrack To My Broken Heart"

"I know love ain't fair
I know it ain't perfect
But I can't be here
'Cuz your love ain't worth it
A part of me scared
A part of me searchin'
And this is how it sounds when my heart cries
And you won't even come to my rescue"

Can't help but wait (mi favi throw back!!!)

"I'm going to play my possision..let you catch what you been missing" - Trey Songz =D

What I mean to you?

I'm the one who's most forgetful
I'm the one who's most regretful
I buried the memories, I shattered the hope
I broke all ties and I cut the tightly woven rope
You may not notice my existence all the time
I'm rarely on your mind and with that I'm fine
If there is one thing I can truly honestly say
When your by my side your smile rarely fades away
You know I'd wait for your every beckoned call
You know I'd catch you before you even started to fall
The one who's always in the center of attention
Is the who you know is dying for your affection
The asshole loner with no sense of self control
At times annoying after time has taken it's toll
The optimistic nerd who plays the roll of an "aloof don"
One thing I can promise..you'll miss me when I'm gone



-Noloc :]

Funky Fresh

So I'm sure everyone has their routines for getting ready before leaving the house. This is how my cookie crumbles. It's a absolute must to have Usher or Barry White playing while I get ready. Most of the time I'm in my boxers and a t-shirt or tank top and socks dancing and sliding across the bathroom and kitchen floor. Spins are essential in the midst of the getting ready process. After finishing my hair which only takes about 5-10Min's the grand finally determines what kind of a night I will have. I guess it's an OCD thing. When I toss up my brush; if I catch it by the handle let the fun begin, if i catch it by the Bristles I'm fucked. Although no matter where I catch it I always have a good time. It's just a way to get me pumped. Then I slide over to the kitchen get myself a drink and then run upstairs to get a outfit. Can not be funky fresh without cologne and mouth wash :D One final dance in the outfit I'm currently in. Usher is usually playing and I try to copy his moves but nearly always fail. Then I'm usually rushing out the door cause like always..I'm running late..THE END YAY

Ah gee I don't Know

Fell into deep infatuation since the moment I saw her
When I was with her I wished the minutes were longer
Her appeal, her aura, her swag would always blow me away
No matter what the circumstance she knew exactly what to say
You can see her name branded on my heart
We fit perfectly together but I tore us apart


-Noloc

Valentine

So February is like the month of love. Everyone so keen of the thought of roses, teddy bears the size of small children, and hearts stuffed to the capacity of every segment of chocolate imaginable. I think it's safe to say I might have had a Valentine time about 2 times out of my whole life. First valentine was my best friend Jeffery, He asked me at the valentines day dance in the 5th grade. I didn't even like him like that but I just said yes cause I felt bad...Dick move I know. The other time was with Susan. For the majority of my life I had my mom as my valentine and the month of February. I mean February brings all this love but who does February date? So me being the nice kid that I am, I ask February to be my Valentine every year. I like to think of February as a smoking hot chick who vaguely resembles Megan Fox but if possible, way hotter. So as of right now its February 1st...let the festivities begin. :]

Sleep = YAY!!

Finally I slept till 12, now I know why I haven't slept like that since high school. High School my ass had to wake up at 5:30, and now in college I'm doing the same. So this weekend I slept!!!! Sheesh. I actually didn't feel like going out last night either that's how exhausted I was. Even today I'm a little ehh. I woke up and my cat was like right next to me right along my side of me like in my face and I was falling off the bed pretty much. There is plenty of bed for that cat I mean I have a full sized bed and she is smaller then your average cat so why does she need to invade my space?? She is lucky I love her or else I would have sold her to a Chinese food place a long time ago. haha. The other day my mom picked me out a shirt and it was type boyish, like even I was like that's a little too boyish for me, I didn't say It out loud of course and she bought it for me! I don't know what's going on but I'm liking it =D .

Fury

My whole body is shaking, I've never been this angry before and I'm scared. First my mom and my aunt and now this? I've had to deal with many things before, this I can't. Tears burn as they fill my eyes. I smile for you baby, to show you I'm strong. To show you that you can tell me anything in the whole wide world. Acting is my specialty. I've seen him many times, I've smiled, I joked, I laughed...Since then I wanted to break his motha fuckin face...Now I want to destroy. My heart was beating faster with ever word I read. Tears streaming eyes turned red. Teeth clenched, fists tight. I'd kill that motha fucka If I seen him tonight. I wouldn't care if you begged me not to, I would actually smile and laugh. I'd take joy of every moment of pain that passed. You people think you know me but you've never seen this side. I've never seen it until this day when I cried. I don't care about heaven or hell, If I can take him down my life will still be well. I'd sit at the right hand of hell for all I care. I'd go away in a cell for years and with plenty of smiles to spare. Adrenaline rush just met its match... this new shit I'm on called fury.

Red Rose

The symbol for love is often defined as a heart, in other cases a Red Rose. The Red rose is meant to symbolize love. The white rose symbolizes forever, everlasting. The yellow rose symbolizes friendship. Today while I was getting ready for my classes, I saw a single red wilted rose left over from the bouquet my mom got from Scott. Half asleep I stared at it for awhile, It reminded me of something. The way I'm currently feeling is exactly how that single wilted red rose was. I'm lonely I can admit it, and although my love for my ex is there...it's dead, just like that rose. Some days I still feel the thorn of our break up, and other times it barely crosses my mind at all. After awhile you get used to being alone, for me it's not that hard since I'm an only child. You learn to play by yourself and be more independent. During our relationship I guess I was still like that, at times I guess I would show affection but I think I only started to be clingy when I felt I was losing her. It's a good thing she has a boyfriend now, cause if she didn't I don't think I could ever let go. For the first time in a long time I wasn't alone, and going back to my old ways isn't as easy as falling into companionship. So as of right now do I regret anything? not really. I'm still looking up, I know there is a girl out there for me. I guess this might sound kinda corny, but every night during prayers, I wish my someone goodnight. When I find her I can tell her I wished her goodnight my whole life. I think that's a pretty cool gift, right? or it might be completely weird. haha. That's one of the many thing's I keep to myself. :D After that I wondered why my mom kept a half dead rose in this huge vase to begin with, thought it was a tad creepy and went to brush my teeth =P

Cassidy

Yeah so I woke up at 6 in the morning today and I couldn't help but think of that song "Hotel" by Cassidy. While I'am completely miserable since I haven't woke up this early since high school. I managed to do the 6 in the morning thing with my hands in the mirror, while brushing my teeth. So I will be going to my corner in the library after this class I have and take a nap for 6 hours so then everything will add up to a normal days rest. I keep telling myself that and hopefully I wont lose my mind. Even though I think already did doing my best impersonation of Cassidy...God help me

Let's exchange

It's not brave, if your not scared
It's not love, if you never shared
I can sense your afraid, I'am too
Feel weak and strong because of you
I fell for you, holding on by a piece of twine
So give me your heart in exchange for mine



-Noloc

Scream

Did you ever get that dire need to scream at the top of your lungs for as long as you possibly can? I'm feeling like that right about now It's 1:24 am and I'm so fucking frustrated. I'm so angry I don't know if it is because I've stopped working out or what but It's like anywhere I look I just want to punch someone in the god damn face. I want to just go in my backyard get down on my knees and scream for all of North Babylon to hear me. Ahhh..if only...I figured my happiness streak, picking freaking daisy's would come to an end soon...oh well..I prob need to sleep but I'm so angry I don't know if I can. =(




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2H4l9RpkwM

Appearence

If you realize it or not you are communicating constantly. One major part of communication is your appearance, how you present yourself to others. One major factor in my life is my appearance, I dress a certain way so automatically I'm labeled as being gay. I'm comfortable with the way I dress, and I'm not the type to care what others might think of me. I have to admit It did bother me when I was young, not anymore. I don't let the way I dress be my main priority however, right now when I'm single I dress for me nobody else. If I had a girlfriend and she did right by me I would change the way I look for her if she really wanted me to. I mean I have no further use of dressing a tad bit on the man side if she doesn't like it. My goal would be to please her and nobody else. With my ex girlfriend she liked me dressing like a boy, her style is completely different then my own. I'm a prep I admit it, but I dressed the way she liked me to dress. I know like most people might say like i shouldn't change myself to please others. That's not the case, I will never change my ways to fit into a crowd, or grab someones attention. Whoever falls in love with me falls in love with meee, and obviously the way i dressed before didn't matter, so they are worthy of me changing a few things to please them. I don't know if that makes sense or not but it does make sense in my head haha. Even if they wanted me to wear make up and wear dresses all the time I would still do it, cause when you love someone their wants are your main priority to a certain extent. Like if they wanted you to jump off a bridge cause they think it would be cute, then I suggest you pushing them off the bridge and see how cute it is. Feel me? haha alright I'm done with this topic on to the next =P

Boredom

I've been bored alll dayyy long...The most exciting part of my day was taking a shower and then getting my haircut which turned into a epic fail because my mother doesn't like to cut my hair and I honestly think she pretended to...yeah well I'm done for the night =P

"This is the distance...and this is my game face"








^Deff made a typo before I apologize haha :]

The Island Of Hoolamakoo

Close your eyes and begin to see
Our secret carribean fantasy
An island filled with family and friends
A place where joy and happiness has no end
The lushious sand is as white as snow
The palm trees where the finest coconuts grow
The water is bluer then the sky
There are no pests, not even a fly
There is a cozy hut that's just for two
A hammock for me and one for you
So anytime you need to leave
Take my hand and just believe

(c) Lauren Colon



This might be a tad bit on the corny side HOWEVER, when I was little my mom used to tell me, about this "island" where everything was perfect, so when I was upset it soothed me, When I was old enough I think i made this in seventh grade, i wrote a poem and got awards for it and it was published haha. This poem sometimes helps me to this day :D alright yeah so I'm done being corny lol Hopefully I can eat soon this kid is HUNGRY!!!

Superman

Sometimes we must condone in an action that can lead our hearts into War. Sometimes, breaking someones heart is the only way of truly letting go. I thought I could be different...I thought that my heart could be pure. I wanted to be a knight in shinning armor to always be there to save the day, the only actions I would take, those of honor,chivalry,and bravery. I know I could be...I feel it there deep inside. My mom always tells me that I can't be superman, I can't save the world from their problems. I live my life to please, personal gain is not something in my criteria. Though today I think I turned in my red cape.

Air Force?

So my cousin Eddy is a Sergent in the marines. I would say besides my mother he is the one person I look up to the most. It's not just because he is in the Marines, I always have because he made being a good kid and doing the right thing cool. No matter all the things he's seen, the neighborhood we both grew up in he hasn't let it get to him. There is a lot of times we email each other and talk, a lot of times he loses hope with being in the war. There is one thing that all the Colon's have and that's a lot of heart. I remind him of home, our family, and how much pride we have of him and that keeps him motivated. For the longest time I wanted to join the Marines just like him. I've always had this urge that I'm meant for so much more then just sitting in a classroom teaching a bunch of hormonal high school students. I want to save people, I want to fight for something that's worth fighting for. He told me I'm not allowed to join the Marines but If I was ever really serious to check out the Air Force and be apart of the search and rescue unit. It's were you jump out of jets to find wounded soldiers on the field. It's something that I would like to be apart of. The only thing holding me back is my family...especially my mom. It would kill her if I ever joined. The only problem is it's the one thing I think were my passion really resides. I have no girlfriend, so this is the perfect chance to do it. Four years of saving peoples live, how awesome would that be? I started sparing at the UGB in Queens like I used to back in freshman year of high school, I don't have a spot on the team cause they don't have any in my weight rank yet unless I bulk up. I've been trying so hard since forever and nothing works. If I don't bulk up then how can I be in the Air Force? Everyone says I'm so lucky being skinny...but It's one of the main things holding me back from my dreams.

The Single Life

So I'm living the single life style, I come and go as I please. I flirt with anyone I want to flirt with, nothing to hold me back. If I want to go on vacation I go no questions asked. The only problem is when I return there is nobody at my door welcoming me home. I dance with who ever I want to at the club, drink till I can't see. I HAVE NO LIMITS. I walk down those steps holding on to the wall. Struggle to put my key in the hole, as I open the door, I put my coat on the rack, my keys on the table. Sit down take off my shoes one by one. Slip into my pjs and hop in my bed in silence..until I fall asleep alone. So you like the single life? think twice..I make it seem better then what it really is.

Can't Fall Asleep

Its late, can't fall asleep
Something that’s in you so deep
It's making you uncontrollably reckless
More annoying then a choker necklace
So you get up and start to pace around
Maybe try push ups so you drop to the ground
Five...Ten...Fifteen...Twenty
Still don’t feel tired now isn't that funny?
See the thing is your ignoring the issue
All you hear is your own self screaming I miss you
You'll do anything to keep your mind off it
Start to pace around again..now you lost it
You start to run outside in the pouring rain
Doing nothing but screaming their name
Cars passing by and one almost hit you
Doesn't faze you after all you been through
Run back to the side and start to walk
Wondering what your going to say if you talk
What she will say once you get there
But instead you lay on the ground so cold and bare



-Noloc



P.S this is madddd oldd but I found it in my book and thought it was different and cool

Irony

Its ironic how we ignore those who want us. Want those who ignore us. Hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us...we're never satisfied with what we have until it becomes what we had.

Losing my mind

"Seems the woman that I loved
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a way to be alone
I'm terrified to think that I may be losing my mind"
-Maroon 5

Replacement

"Girl my time is limited, and I ain't tryna waste it all on you"
- Trey Songz

Jealousy

No Matter hard I try I can't stop you
Try to hold you inside but you wont allow me to
Filling my body with rage and anger
Allowing myself and other's to be in danger
Unforgiving and relentless
Both controlling and reckless
When will you let this tired soul be
My body,mind, and soul wants to be free
You drive innocent men and women mad
You always have new prey and your next weeks new fad


-Noloc

So what does my heart look like?

It's funny how no ex-ray can show
What's really going down below
The core of my existence is my heart
The ultimate test? dissecting it apart
The First layer is a icy cold sheet of ice
No emotion, cruelty, which is my vice
The Second layer made of deception
An elaborate show for your exception
The Third layer is made of rocky strength
Overcome any obstacle, travel any length
The Forth layer is made of my hidden compassion
Caring for friends like next years hottest fashion
The Fifth layer is made of unconditional love
So deep with in there's no light above
The Sixth layer is made of sickening fear
Losing the ones I love, even shedding a single tear
So What's my heart look like?


-Noloc

Over coming my addiction

Today I was listening to the radio on my way back from the train. This song played that I had to have heard at least fifty times from working at Neiman Marcus. My mom brought it to my attention to listen carefully to the words of the song. As soon as I heard them my emotions became so clear. I finally realized why I've been so happy and at peace lately. I finally moved on from my ex. My old eating habits are starting to set back in because I'm not depressed. This whole time I thought I was feeling pretty average. Not ONCE did I think I was in a state of depression. There were a few lines in that song that got me. "It started with a perfect kiss then we felt the poison set in" something along those lines lol. The other was "We were always meant to say goodbye". Why did those particular quotes hit home and cause this enlightenment I have no clue. I guess it had to be the right time and place for me to realize what was right in front of me. I will always love my ex cause she was my first. Now that love is kind of different, I love her like one of my friends, the romance part is kinda...gone. Normally I would think this is terrible but its exactly what I needed. Obviously the romance left her awhile ago to seek other people, so I shouldn't feel guilty about that and I'm glad I don't.. Anyway I'm glad I have her as a good friend and I'm glad I have my good friends at work that put up with my bullshit too. lol

depression=poems?

I noticed that since I've been really happy I don't really need to write or express myself, I mean its just like I'm happy..what do you want from me you know? haha I know It's kind of ridiculous but It's the truth. Know what I think too I think I physically express being happy all the time so that emotion isnt bottled up and in desperate need to come up. When I'm sad or confussed about something I normally just like stare into space and try to figure it out, or I simply write to get it off my mind. I really Don't want to go to work tomorrow..I have to work with this smelly old woman who is a pervert, talk about a good time...not. None of my other friends are working either. This blows...but not enough to write a poem about lol. Alright its only 11 but I guess I'll call it a night. :]

Wewt!!

I've been freezingg and hungry alll dayy longgg, i finally got home today after a days work to one of my favorite home cooked meals. At this moment I'm finally full and warm :] One of the best feelings in the world. As I' am currently sitting with my cat on my lap typing this I can't help but crack a smile. It's like this burden has been lifted off my chest and something more. I can't really explain it...it's hard to put in words. Whatever this feeling is it's amazing, I hope I can feel this way forever :]

Awakening

It took me a very, very long time until I reached this peak of my state of mind..As you could probably tell from my older posts..I wasn't completely over my ex girlfriend, not only that but I also thought I fell for someone else. You see when your alone, you've become depressed and by all means this is natural. You just want the feeling of someone wanting you as much as you want them. Any slight indication of attraction or even if someone is being generally nice can be taken to extremes. During the midst of all that I lost myself, I was so concerned about finding my soul mate, concerned about finding someone I can simply hold hands with everywhere I went. The simple matter of it all is I didn't want to face reality. Right now nobody outside my family loves me more then a friend. For awhile it bothered me, I would like to believe that maybe my ex would come back because we have history and after all she was my first love. I realize now just because if someone is your first love and you have been with them for a long time doesn't mean that's the one your meant to spend the rest of your life with. I'd like to believe she loves me so much and she wants to be with me forever and ever but..um how fucking stupid am I?? lol. The point is most people are the same exact way. If a person cheats, leaves you, doesn't return your calls, doesn't make any significant initiative then odds are..news flash they don't fucking want you. People flirt, they love attention, but does this mean they like you? fuck no. The spark is a myth, its folk lore that gets you suckered into the position of "Do they feel the same way?" Anyone you find attractive that has some sort of friendliness towards you or has something in common with you can be defined as a "spark". Its a load of bullshit, people like something to do to pass the time, so they play with your mind. Maybe It took me a little longer then everyone else to figure this out, but I must admit I'm a hopeless romantic. As you get older, the fairy tales begin to fade away. Santa Clause turns into mommy and daddy and so on and so forth. Nobody really has a happily ever after. The best part of the awakening is not only have I seen the truth, I'm really happy. I feel free in a way I dismissed childish ways and regained them at the same time. For once in a very long time I feel the same way as I did many years ago, My only concerns is my family,excelling in the things I attempt to do, and my own happiness. Nothing else.