I'm getting girls that guys would often dream about, but I miss my baby.

Late Night Madness

Well its late and she's on my mind again. It never gets old. I always find myself every so often laying down, eyes fixed on the ceiling with only her running through my mind. Its funny how when I talk about her to my friends I don't even have to say her name. They know who "she/her" is. There are other girls, don't get me wrong. But she doesn't need an explanation or a background story. They already know. I wonder if it will always be like that.

Tonight I'm just fixated on how I might come off too over eager to talk to her. I wonder if its a turn off. I wonder if she feels I'm too easy for her to deem important at the time. Today we were talking about how much I loved her cause she completely denied one of her past flings for me. I think I either hit a nerve or over did it.

Its funny how sometimes ill sit there and analyze what I want to say to her for a few minutes and then when I finally come up with it, its horrible. I have a wedding tomorrow. I often think sometimes how much fun we would have if we were still together now. Have her as my plus one. Get to have her by my side in a gorgeous dress and dance until we can barely walk. Most girls I would deem unworthy to be by my side for many reasons. Mostly because I must admit I have issues. But her? Id be proud, confident, and content. My eyes wouldn't linger anywhere else. Only on her.

However, it wasn't meant to be. I go alone and I think mostly for myself. Do I care for other peoples feelings? No I do not. Ill live this single life for awhile I'm sure. I'm looking foward to it. I feel like I'm becoming more and more into my own. While no focusing on relationships I'm set on my self. So far I'm living by myself. 21 with my own apartment, decent job, going to school, and will be established by the time I'm 25. Ill bring home the bacon so to speak. I've grown so much. I've learned so much about life in general and especially myself.

Turn ons/ Turn offs

Turn Ons:
1. Playing/pulling my hair
2. Nibbling on my ear
3. Eye fucking
4. Intelligence
5. Creativity
6. Strong in general
7. Hard to get
8. Lip biting
9. Confidence
10. HOT BODY

Turn offs:
1. Clingyness
2. Weakness
3. Lack of ambition/determination
4. Desperation for attention
5. Inhable to up hold conversations
6. Self centeredness
7. Immaturity
8. No style
9. Lacking individuality
10. UGLYNESS

Those are just the mains. And unfortunately more things turn me off than they do on. Life's a bitch. Too bad I guess. :)

Change of fate

Sometimes I wonder if I went back in time and change not all but some of my mistakes if I would be a better person than I am today. I know that learning from your mistakes are important. The thing that bothers me the most is the events that happend to you in the past that isn't beneficial to your future. The events that serve no other purpose than making your past fucked up. If I could just change those would I be better? Less cruel, more caring. Or maybe I would be weaker, unable to take the pain as well as I can now. Just little things like this I can debate with myself for hours. Until the next blog. Tootles.

A little more about me.

I was actually going to sum up how I became an asshole. Then I realized I have a poem in one of my previous blogs from a year or so ago that already did that. I grew up a screw up. Nothing came easy to me. Whether it was sports or performing in school everything I had to work hard at. When I was younger growing up on a block with all boys our games consisted of wuffle ball, two hand touch, manhunt, and basketball with a crate attached to the pole. At a time all the boys were better than me until I got older and eventually just as good or better then them. Where I'm at right now I'm pretty beastly at reading comprehension and writing. However I attended extra help in those feilds until I was in the 5th grade. I've been jumped atleast 3 times. By the 4th fight I got into I was barely touched. The larger girl kimberley who started with me was on the floor with a broken nose and 2 cracked ribs. I've always had to struggle and fight and that's what made me strong. Its made me who I am. I learned the hard way with love. It took me about 3 times to finally realize the mentality you need to have when approaching a situation to prevent getting a broken heart. Last but not least sex! I remember as clear as day the first time I went down on my ex I made her legs shake. I had no idea what I was doing but I guess I did something right. Haha. Kissing although took me a couple tries to know what to do but then I got better. Can't get everything right on the first try haha.

Shit. Ever since I said a certain something now I can't get a certain activity out of my head! Fml! Anyway I realized now that every single Aries I ever met has a sexual appetite like mine. Coinsidence? Maybe. Who knows. Dhakdfjaskfhs well I'm going to take my sexually frustrated self to work out. Until the next time! Tootles!

Forever is a mighty long time

One of my favorite Quotes

"I'm the warrior that you heard about in legends. Pure of heart and awaken by fury."

mmm...

Nothing like typing up a blog at 5 in the morning but then deleting it after you read it cause you sound like a sissy.

It's harder than it looks.

Weight Gain :(

So after years and years of trying to gain weight I finally did. Now in a small way I wish I had my old body back. My six pack used to be on point. Now my tummy is just flat with maybe 3 or 4 packs. Its pretty sad. On another note though the other day when I went to the club with my friends Shirley and Diane, I had to change infront of them into a shirt. I had a beater on nothing naked like. And my friend Diane said I was pretty "jacked". That statement made my lifeee. I've always been so scrawny but I always strived to be bigger and stronger so that made me feel so good. So hopefully if I keep up with working out I can get even better :)Then I can lift cars and sky scrapers haha just kidding :)But it does come in handy with certain activities that require occasional tossing and lifting. Ahaaa yeaaa I'm going to shut up now. TOOTLES!

Easter!

.Today was an amazing day all around. To start things off it was absolutely beautiful outside. I would've stayed outside all day if gvien the oppertunity. When I got to my Uncle's house baby jack instantly recognized me. He got soo big I couldn't believe it. So of course we were best buds the whole day, crawling around and having him beat me up and shoving his toys down my throat. Babies have an extreme liking to me and I don't really understand it. Most of the time I'm affraid to pick them up cause I don't want to hurt them lol. But I've gotten a lot better :). As much as I think I deny wanting to have my own kid I would like to have a lil munchkin looking like me one day.

I was extremely fat today I had Turkey dinner at my Uncles and then dessert. Finally when I came home I had spanish food that my Aunt Colleen made. (Yes who would think an irish woman named colleen can make amazing spanish food) well she definately does. My mom left after our second dinner to go by her new boyfriends house. So now I'm watching the history channel and most likely taking a nap shortly after. I'm obsessed with history. Everything about it captivates me. Most people think I'm nuts when I say this but one of my most favorite role models is Alexander the Great. He was the closest person to taking over the whole world. Just imagine what strength and motivation you have to weild inorder to do that. Not only that but the intellegence of battle strategies. I'm not obsessed with war don't get me wrong. What gets me the most is strategy. Pretty much everything you do in life as at least a moment or two of pre-thought. I'm going to stop rambling on my nerd rampage.

On another note, I have been reading a certain someones blog I admit. Haha. We have so much in common to the point where I think we feel the same exact way towards eachother. She is so mature for her age that it sometimes takes me back. Everything that took me so long to realize she's right there on the same page as me. I have feelings for her that much is clear. I'm just glad I had the chance grow up a bit before I met her. The old me would've been selfish and not think clearly into the situation at hand. I know she's affraid of leading me on. To be honest I'm scared of falling for her too. I'm just happy that the strongest thing I have is keeping me sane. My will is my strongest asset. No matter what the circumstance if I'm determined to keep fighting I will. I fight myself daily to make sure I'm the best friend she ever had and put her needs before my foolish impulses. She needs me as a friend and to me that's on top of my list. She pops into my head occasionally and I admit sometimes its a struggle to keep myself from saying or doing something we both may regret. But the respect I have for her goes way past any other feeling in my body. She's the only person I have in my life right now that I feel comfortable telling anything and everything that pops into my mind. I've been betrayed and decieved so many times and after all that I trust that girl with my life. So ill never do anything to fuck up something so amazing.

The Challenge

Damn I just had to fight every single impulse in my body to make myself behave just now. AH! That was crazy. I've never been able to fight it before. For future reference I should take note of picturing midget clowns riding pigs in order to make myself behave. Tonight it def came in handy. Especially after having a close call with a midget. If I would've drank anymore soda than I did I def would've peed my pants. I had the feeling. You know, the pee pee feeling. Yeah all I have to say I'm quite proud of myself and hanging out with her is something I could get used to.

Bad experience to the max

Sooo I've had my share of experiences when I'm pissed drunk. For example causing a scene with tickets in my pants while screaming at abnormally large gorilla stuffed animals, making out with a boy, and taking my pants off. This however was far worse. Not only do I not remember anything I was told I was passed out in my friend shirleys friends car with him in the backseat. Yeah thank god I was wearing my difficult armani belt. I was told like a week later cause she didn't know how to tell me. But the guy basically took advantage while I was passed out. Didn't get raped but pretty close. So I will never ever go to a club nor date a guy ever! That's it I'm done.

Bronx for the weekend

I'm happy being single. Most of the time I'm not that lonely. Although in certain situations I feel it more. Like right now sitting on the train by myself of the way to the city with nobody to keep me company on the phone or even txt on the way there. Nobody missing me while I'm away (besides my family) and nobody anxious for me to return. But hey, this is the life I chose. If I was desperate for relationships like most people id be in one. Stronger people are the ones who could be alone.

On another note I can't wait to get to the Bronx. Taking trains, eating fuckin amazing spanish food, walking to bodegas to get whatever I need. Just all of that reminds me so much of my childhood. I feel more free and alive there everytime I go back. I feel so much more independant cause you have to be. You have to look out for yourself and everything around you and to me, that part is thrilling. Not that you don't have to do that anywhere you go but being there is more real. Half of the people who grew up in long island are in la la land 80% of the time. Leaving doors unlocked. Going for jogs by themselves. Little things that they take for granite there are life and death situations where I come from. Even looking the wrong way or having your aura wrong can get you killed. Its the way you carry yourself that helps you survive. In queens you never under estimate anyone. Because even the smallest person could be the most powerful. Pretty must everyone carries something with them. I got my little daggers inside my coat as we speak. I just feel like when your a kid in the city you grow up faster. You become wiser and more mature because in a hostile enviorment there is no room for making foolish mistakes.

Remember This.

Just in case I never see your face again
Just in case the worst was meant to happen
Just in case tomorrow never comes there is something you should know
I've given you every bit of the girl I am
I know at times it wasn't pretty but it was all I had
I never held back not one lil bit and the world can attest to this
You got my life together and I'll thank you forever
But all that done changed my soul, my frame of mind, you got it right
And I'll love you life and I'll thank you for life
If I died tonight before I wake
Know that you touched my life in oh so many ways
Remember my heart remember it was good, remember that I tried as long as I could,
Remember that I gave till I had nothing else, remember my voice..I know you should





I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be


Inspired by the words of Usher, with my own flare

Harsh Reality Check

So basically I have a talk with my friend Brandy. She always tells me how it is even if I don't like her answer. I figured she would be the perfect person to ask about the situation with my ex. I told her how I acted and and I told her about my blog and how Susan reacted. I told her where me and susan are currently at right now. She basically told me that when you have a long relationship that you can't be friends. That you have to stop talking them completely and totally take them out of your life forever. When she told me this she saw by my facial expressions that would be something impossible for me to do. But then she told me something that really made me think. She said that susan already made that decision for me. She said friends say hello to eachother, friends talk to eachother, she said friends forgive eachother. I made susan a promise a long time ago, that I would never leave her. Now I know that some promises we can't always keep. Brandy told me realizing that is part of growing up. Saying that and actually going through with it is a completely different story. But at least now I know what I have to do to make her truely happy, and to keep me from falling apart. My eyes are tearing up. This is going to be the hardest thing ill ever to do in my life. This time its for real. This time there is no turning back. Its almost like if I'm dying, and I know when she turns around ill slip away and ill be gone. Death is easy. The dying part, what I'm going through right now is hard.

fifth grade much?

Yeah I've been feeling a certain type of way and I really need to snap out of it. Its like I get the butterflies and the sweaty palms. Stuttering or messing up my sentences and all my quick and clever things I usually say runs on empty. Sometimes I can be talking and I forget what I'm saying because I get distracted by, ah! Nevermind I'm cutting the shit I've been being good so far I intend to keep it that way. I'm determined.

What are the Odds?

1 universe,8 planets,204 countries,7 continents,809 islands,7 seas, and I had the priviledge to meet you.

Let the battle begin! *ding ding*

So let's start things off with work shall we? Okay so there is this girl Sylvia, she's been obsessed with me since I've been working there. Mind you she is 27yrs old and has pulsing viens all over her head. Gross. Anywho, she gets jealous everytime someone else likes me there or spends a lot of time with me. Probally cause ignore the fuck out of her. So lately me and my friend have been getting really close. We both have a mutual "thing" for eachother but I don't want the store to know cause A) we can get fired. B) it's nobody's buisness. Well Sylvia likes to make comment and crack jokes about us. That's fine whatever, we obviously know who's more mature. So push comes to shove she spreads an untrue rumor making both of my friends hate eachother even more and causing drama. So now I want to kick her ass cause she lied to me and and has no life.

Now the second thing is WAY worse. It allll starts with susan who now I know she is probally reading this whole thing. Do I care? No cause this is my private blog and I'm not holding back. So basically I've been getting yelled at since Sunday morning because of Saturday. I tried explaining myself and she's just as stubborn as I am so she's not going to listen to me sameway I wouldn't listen to her if I was her. The worst part is I'm being real with her. I've always been 100% real with her. During my relationship I was faithful and I did everything to make her smile when I would make her sad about me not telling our secret. I don't know why she can't give me the benefit of the doubt when I gave it to her when she tore my heart into a million pieces. I guess we finally know who cares more right? She won't respond to my txt I would even be happy if she said fuck you go to hell so at least I know what she wants to do with us. I've been fighting to keep her in my life for so long and I'm starting to feel I'm the only one making the efforts. Should I just let it die? Or should I keep fighting until there is nothing left of me?

Up to Par

So I figured I should catch up with the mess I have been getting myself into lately. Mess numero uno: Celebrated my 21st Birthday Party. Yeahhh. Can only imagine how that went. Lets start off by saying got shitfaced on only 2 beers cause I didn't eat at all that day. Then ditched my friends and the last person in the world that I would want to ditch to go smoke weed so I can maybe for a few hours forget about worrying for the next day. Whats wrong with the next day you ask? Oh ha! Let me tell you. Mess numbero dos: My friend who is also turning 21 wanted to celebrate our shin dig at Dave and Busters in C.I where my ex and her current boyfriend work. Mmm yeah that is awkward isn't it? So to take the edge off things I decided to have 2 pre-game beers in the car. 4 Shots when I got to the bar. Another 2 beers later on. Can we say incoherently shitfaced? Yeah me too. The kicker was, I was being obnoxious saying hello to my ex because she wasn't allowed to because of her jealous boyfriend. Yes, I know what is the need to be jealous with simple eye contact and hello. Well its sad to say but the youngling has some maturity issues. I believe he is only one year younger then me and has never met me. It amazes me the maturity level with males in comparison into females. Another thing that also surprises me is how maturity shows remarkable difference in only a year at this particular stage in life. Despite that, I was a horrible guest at D&B running around with tickets in my pants and hitting on the girl at the front desk. Now that I think about it I don't think she was quite attractive. In all honesty I guess being drunk allowed my barrier to be broken so my ex girlfriend could take one more final blow and break my heart AGAIN. I fully understand the situation as to why she did it. I don't blame her in the least bit. I just wish sometimes people we're on the same page as me with certain subject manor. The End, blow me thanks.

"Supposed To Be"

Maybe it's up with the stars
Maybe it's under the sea
Maybe it's not very far
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be
This is how it's supposed to be
Maybe it's trapped in a jar
Something we've already seen
Maybe it's nowhere at all
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be
This is how it's supposed to be
Looking forward as we rewind
Looking back is a trap sometimes
Being here is so easy to do
If you want to


-Jack Johnson

Where am I?

Sometimes I think I'm stuck in an alternate universe, cause I can't live in a world where you don't love me.

Voulchers

I live at the bottom of the food chain. Just when I get the edge I need to progress and move foward the voulchers come. I get stripped of everything I have which is close to nothing and then finally left with nothing. Tables are turned and I'm supposed to be happy. I'm ungrateful because even though I'm left with nothing, I'm allowed enough to live. You know what I say to that? Fuck that shit. I want what's rightfully mine unless given a legitimate reason for anything otherwise. Yet I'm the one who's wrong here. That's right. I'm always in the wrong.

I currently remember

It's funny lately I haven't given love much thought. To be honest I really didn't feel the need. Its actually quite soothing, peaceful even. Just to somewhat focus on myself is a blessing in itself. We recently spoke not too long ago. Speaking to her know and I realized how much things have changed. I know this may sound type weird but when I briefly looked at a few of her pictures I don't have any recollection. The girl I knew had jet black curly hair. Always wore her gelled and in a side pony tail. She hiked up the school skirt as high as possible. She had a black Jan sport back pack but she only wore it on her one shoulder. I guess she thought she was more of a bad ass wearing it that way. That's what I remember. It feels like years and yeas ago. Like I'm an old lady reminiscing about my younger years. I don't remember what it's like to be settled down. I'm glad I don't. I don't think I ever been happier. Maybe relationships aren't meant for everyone?