Sleep = YAY!!

Finally I slept till 12, now I know why I haven't slept like that since high school. High School my ass had to wake up at 5:30, and now in college I'm doing the same. So this weekend I slept!!!! Sheesh. I actually didn't feel like going out last night either that's how exhausted I was. Even today I'm a little ehh. I woke up and my cat was like right next to me right along my side of me like in my face and I was falling off the bed pretty much. There is plenty of bed for that cat I mean I have a full sized bed and she is smaller then your average cat so why does she need to invade my space?? She is lucky I love her or else I would have sold her to a Chinese food place a long time ago. haha. The other day my mom picked me out a shirt and it was type boyish, like even I was like that's a little too boyish for me, I didn't say It out loud of course and she bought it for me! I don't know what's going on but I'm liking it =D .

Fury

My whole body is shaking, I've never been this angry before and I'm scared. First my mom and my aunt and now this? I've had to deal with many things before, this I can't. Tears burn as they fill my eyes. I smile for you baby, to show you I'm strong. To show you that you can tell me anything in the whole wide world. Acting is my specialty. I've seen him many times, I've smiled, I joked, I laughed...Since then I wanted to break his motha fuckin face...Now I want to destroy. My heart was beating faster with ever word I read. Tears streaming eyes turned red. Teeth clenched, fists tight. I'd kill that motha fucka If I seen him tonight. I wouldn't care if you begged me not to, I would actually smile and laugh. I'd take joy of every moment of pain that passed. You people think you know me but you've never seen this side. I've never seen it until this day when I cried. I don't care about heaven or hell, If I can take him down my life will still be well. I'd sit at the right hand of hell for all I care. I'd go away in a cell for years and with plenty of smiles to spare. Adrenaline rush just met its match... this new shit I'm on called fury.

Red Rose

The symbol for love is often defined as a heart, in other cases a Red Rose. The Red rose is meant to symbolize love. The white rose symbolizes forever, everlasting. The yellow rose symbolizes friendship. Today while I was getting ready for my classes, I saw a single red wilted rose left over from the bouquet my mom got from Scott. Half asleep I stared at it for awhile, It reminded me of something. The way I'm currently feeling is exactly how that single wilted red rose was. I'm lonely I can admit it, and although my love for my ex is there...it's dead, just like that rose. Some days I still feel the thorn of our break up, and other times it barely crosses my mind at all. After awhile you get used to being alone, for me it's not that hard since I'm an only child. You learn to play by yourself and be more independent. During our relationship I guess I was still like that, at times I guess I would show affection but I think I only started to be clingy when I felt I was losing her. It's a good thing she has a boyfriend now, cause if she didn't I don't think I could ever let go. For the first time in a long time I wasn't alone, and going back to my old ways isn't as easy as falling into companionship. So as of right now do I regret anything? not really. I'm still looking up, I know there is a girl out there for me. I guess this might sound kinda corny, but every night during prayers, I wish my someone goodnight. When I find her I can tell her I wished her goodnight my whole life. I think that's a pretty cool gift, right? or it might be completely weird. haha. That's one of the many thing's I keep to myself. :D After that I wondered why my mom kept a half dead rose in this huge vase to begin with, thought it was a tad creepy and went to brush my teeth =P

Cassidy

Yeah so I woke up at 6 in the morning today and I couldn't help but think of that song "Hotel" by Cassidy. While I'am completely miserable since I haven't woke up this early since high school. I managed to do the 6 in the morning thing with my hands in the mirror, while brushing my teeth. So I will be going to my corner in the library after this class I have and take a nap for 6 hours so then everything will add up to a normal days rest. I keep telling myself that and hopefully I wont lose my mind. Even though I think already did doing my best impersonation of Cassidy...God help me

Let's exchange

It's not brave, if your not scared
It's not love, if you never shared
I can sense your afraid, I'am too
Feel weak and strong because of you
I fell for you, holding on by a piece of twine
So give me your heart in exchange for mine



-Noloc

Scream

Did you ever get that dire need to scream at the top of your lungs for as long as you possibly can? I'm feeling like that right about now It's 1:24 am and I'm so fucking frustrated. I'm so angry I don't know if it is because I've stopped working out or what but It's like anywhere I look I just want to punch someone in the god damn face. I want to just go in my backyard get down on my knees and scream for all of North Babylon to hear me. Ahhh..if only...I figured my happiness streak, picking freaking daisy's would come to an end soon...oh well..I prob need to sleep but I'm so angry I don't know if I can. =(




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2H4l9RpkwM

Appearence

If you realize it or not you are communicating constantly. One major part of communication is your appearance, how you present yourself to others. One major factor in my life is my appearance, I dress a certain way so automatically I'm labeled as being gay. I'm comfortable with the way I dress, and I'm not the type to care what others might think of me. I have to admit It did bother me when I was young, not anymore. I don't let the way I dress be my main priority however, right now when I'm single I dress for me nobody else. If I had a girlfriend and she did right by me I would change the way I look for her if she really wanted me to. I mean I have no further use of dressing a tad bit on the man side if she doesn't like it. My goal would be to please her and nobody else. With my ex girlfriend she liked me dressing like a boy, her style is completely different then my own. I'm a prep I admit it, but I dressed the way she liked me to dress. I know like most people might say like i shouldn't change myself to please others. That's not the case, I will never change my ways to fit into a crowd, or grab someones attention. Whoever falls in love with me falls in love with meee, and obviously the way i dressed before didn't matter, so they are worthy of me changing a few things to please them. I don't know if that makes sense or not but it does make sense in my head haha. Even if they wanted me to wear make up and wear dresses all the time I would still do it, cause when you love someone their wants are your main priority to a certain extent. Like if they wanted you to jump off a bridge cause they think it would be cute, then I suggest you pushing them off the bridge and see how cute it is. Feel me? haha alright I'm done with this topic on to the next =P

Boredom

I've been bored alll dayyy long...The most exciting part of my day was taking a shower and then getting my haircut which turned into a epic fail because my mother doesn't like to cut my hair and I honestly think she pretended to...yeah well I'm done for the night =P

"This is the distance...and this is my game face"








^Deff made a typo before I apologize haha :]

The Island Of Hoolamakoo

Close your eyes and begin to see
Our secret carribean fantasy
An island filled with family and friends
A place where joy and happiness has no end
The lushious sand is as white as snow
The palm trees where the finest coconuts grow
The water is bluer then the sky
There are no pests, not even a fly
There is a cozy hut that's just for two
A hammock for me and one for you
So anytime you need to leave
Take my hand and just believe

(c) Lauren Colon



This might be a tad bit on the corny side HOWEVER, when I was little my mom used to tell me, about this "island" where everything was perfect, so when I was upset it soothed me, When I was old enough I think i made this in seventh grade, i wrote a poem and got awards for it and it was published haha. This poem sometimes helps me to this day :D alright yeah so I'm done being corny lol Hopefully I can eat soon this kid is HUNGRY!!!

Superman

Sometimes we must condone in an action that can lead our hearts into War. Sometimes, breaking someones heart is the only way of truly letting go. I thought I could be different...I thought that my heart could be pure. I wanted to be a knight in shinning armor to always be there to save the day, the only actions I would take, those of honor,chivalry,and bravery. I know I could be...I feel it there deep inside. My mom always tells me that I can't be superman, I can't save the world from their problems. I live my life to please, personal gain is not something in my criteria. Though today I think I turned in my red cape.

Air Force?

So my cousin Eddy is a Sergent in the marines. I would say besides my mother he is the one person I look up to the most. It's not just because he is in the Marines, I always have because he made being a good kid and doing the right thing cool. No matter all the things he's seen, the neighborhood we both grew up in he hasn't let it get to him. There is a lot of times we email each other and talk, a lot of times he loses hope with being in the war. There is one thing that all the Colon's have and that's a lot of heart. I remind him of home, our family, and how much pride we have of him and that keeps him motivated. For the longest time I wanted to join the Marines just like him. I've always had this urge that I'm meant for so much more then just sitting in a classroom teaching a bunch of hormonal high school students. I want to save people, I want to fight for something that's worth fighting for. He told me I'm not allowed to join the Marines but If I was ever really serious to check out the Air Force and be apart of the search and rescue unit. It's were you jump out of jets to find wounded soldiers on the field. It's something that I would like to be apart of. The only thing holding me back is my family...especially my mom. It would kill her if I ever joined. The only problem is it's the one thing I think were my passion really resides. I have no girlfriend, so this is the perfect chance to do it. Four years of saving peoples live, how awesome would that be? I started sparing at the UGB in Queens like I used to back in freshman year of high school, I don't have a spot on the team cause they don't have any in my weight rank yet unless I bulk up. I've been trying so hard since forever and nothing works. If I don't bulk up then how can I be in the Air Force? Everyone says I'm so lucky being skinny...but It's one of the main things holding me back from my dreams.

The Single Life

So I'm living the single life style, I come and go as I please. I flirt with anyone I want to flirt with, nothing to hold me back. If I want to go on vacation I go no questions asked. The only problem is when I return there is nobody at my door welcoming me home. I dance with who ever I want to at the club, drink till I can't see. I HAVE NO LIMITS. I walk down those steps holding on to the wall. Struggle to put my key in the hole, as I open the door, I put my coat on the rack, my keys on the table. Sit down take off my shoes one by one. Slip into my pjs and hop in my bed in silence..until I fall asleep alone. So you like the single life? think twice..I make it seem better then what it really is.

Can't Fall Asleep

Its late, can't fall asleep
Something that’s in you so deep
It's making you uncontrollably reckless
More annoying then a choker necklace
So you get up and start to pace around
Maybe try push ups so you drop to the ground
Five...Ten...Fifteen...Twenty
Still don’t feel tired now isn't that funny?
See the thing is your ignoring the issue
All you hear is your own self screaming I miss you
You'll do anything to keep your mind off it
Start to pace around again..now you lost it
You start to run outside in the pouring rain
Doing nothing but screaming their name
Cars passing by and one almost hit you
Doesn't faze you after all you been through
Run back to the side and start to walk
Wondering what your going to say if you talk
What she will say once you get there
But instead you lay on the ground so cold and bare



-Noloc



P.S this is madddd oldd but I found it in my book and thought it was different and cool

Irony

Its ironic how we ignore those who want us. Want those who ignore us. Hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us...we're never satisfied with what we have until it becomes what we had.

Losing my mind

"Seems the woman that I loved
Is someone that I hardly know
And after all this time
I finally found a way to be alone
I'm terrified to think that I may be losing my mind"
-Maroon 5

Replacement

"Girl my time is limited, and I ain't tryna waste it all on you"
- Trey Songz

Jealousy

No Matter hard I try I can't stop you
Try to hold you inside but you wont allow me to
Filling my body with rage and anger
Allowing myself and other's to be in danger
Unforgiving and relentless
Both controlling and reckless
When will you let this tired soul be
My body,mind, and soul wants to be free
You drive innocent men and women mad
You always have new prey and your next weeks new fad


-Noloc

So what does my heart look like?

It's funny how no ex-ray can show
What's really going down below
The core of my existence is my heart
The ultimate test? dissecting it apart
The First layer is a icy cold sheet of ice
No emotion, cruelty, which is my vice
The Second layer made of deception
An elaborate show for your exception
The Third layer is made of rocky strength
Overcome any obstacle, travel any length
The Forth layer is made of my hidden compassion
Caring for friends like next years hottest fashion
The Fifth layer is made of unconditional love
So deep with in there's no light above
The Sixth layer is made of sickening fear
Losing the ones I love, even shedding a single tear
So What's my heart look like?


-Noloc

Over coming my addiction

Today I was listening to the radio on my way back from the train. This song played that I had to have heard at least fifty times from working at Neiman Marcus. My mom brought it to my attention to listen carefully to the words of the song. As soon as I heard them my emotions became so clear. I finally realized why I've been so happy and at peace lately. I finally moved on from my ex. My old eating habits are starting to set back in because I'm not depressed. This whole time I thought I was feeling pretty average. Not ONCE did I think I was in a state of depression. There were a few lines in that song that got me. "It started with a perfect kiss then we felt the poison set in" something along those lines lol. The other was "We were always meant to say goodbye". Why did those particular quotes hit home and cause this enlightenment I have no clue. I guess it had to be the right time and place for me to realize what was right in front of me. I will always love my ex cause she was my first. Now that love is kind of different, I love her like one of my friends, the romance part is kinda...gone. Normally I would think this is terrible but its exactly what I needed. Obviously the romance left her awhile ago to seek other people, so I shouldn't feel guilty about that and I'm glad I don't.. Anyway I'm glad I have her as a good friend and I'm glad I have my good friends at work that put up with my bullshit too. lol

depression=poems?

I noticed that since I've been really happy I don't really need to write or express myself, I mean its just like I'm happy..what do you want from me you know? haha I know It's kind of ridiculous but It's the truth. Know what I think too I think I physically express being happy all the time so that emotion isnt bottled up and in desperate need to come up. When I'm sad or confussed about something I normally just like stare into space and try to figure it out, or I simply write to get it off my mind. I really Don't want to go to work tomorrow..I have to work with this smelly old woman who is a pervert, talk about a good time...not. None of my other friends are working either. This blows...but not enough to write a poem about lol. Alright its only 11 but I guess I'll call it a night. :]

Wewt!!

I've been freezingg and hungry alll dayy longgg, i finally got home today after a days work to one of my favorite home cooked meals. At this moment I'm finally full and warm :] One of the best feelings in the world. As I' am currently sitting with my cat on my lap typing this I can't help but crack a smile. It's like this burden has been lifted off my chest and something more. I can't really explain it...it's hard to put in words. Whatever this feeling is it's amazing, I hope I can feel this way forever :]

Awakening

It took me a very, very long time until I reached this peak of my state of mind..As you could probably tell from my older posts..I wasn't completely over my ex girlfriend, not only that but I also thought I fell for someone else. You see when your alone, you've become depressed and by all means this is natural. You just want the feeling of someone wanting you as much as you want them. Any slight indication of attraction or even if someone is being generally nice can be taken to extremes. During the midst of all that I lost myself, I was so concerned about finding my soul mate, concerned about finding someone I can simply hold hands with everywhere I went. The simple matter of it all is I didn't want to face reality. Right now nobody outside my family loves me more then a friend. For awhile it bothered me, I would like to believe that maybe my ex would come back because we have history and after all she was my first love. I realize now just because if someone is your first love and you have been with them for a long time doesn't mean that's the one your meant to spend the rest of your life with. I'd like to believe she loves me so much and she wants to be with me forever and ever but..um how fucking stupid am I?? lol. The point is most people are the same exact way. If a person cheats, leaves you, doesn't return your calls, doesn't make any significant initiative then odds are..news flash they don't fucking want you. People flirt, they love attention, but does this mean they like you? fuck no. The spark is a myth, its folk lore that gets you suckered into the position of "Do they feel the same way?" Anyone you find attractive that has some sort of friendliness towards you or has something in common with you can be defined as a "spark". Its a load of bullshit, people like something to do to pass the time, so they play with your mind. Maybe It took me a little longer then everyone else to figure this out, but I must admit I'm a hopeless romantic. As you get older, the fairy tales begin to fade away. Santa Clause turns into mommy and daddy and so on and so forth. Nobody really has a happily ever after. The best part of the awakening is not only have I seen the truth, I'm really happy. I feel free in a way I dismissed childish ways and regained them at the same time. For once in a very long time I feel the same way as I did many years ago, My only concerns is my family,excelling in the things I attempt to do, and my own happiness. Nothing else.